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When you aren’t “Fine”

How do I respond to the question, “How are you? How’s your son?” when the answer is not “Good”?

This is what I have been grappling with for the last few weeks.

Koji, our three-year-old, started experiencing unexplainable seizures. At first, the seizures seemed to be related to fever and occurred sporadically. However, they recently increased in frequency and have happened with no other symptoms present and at random times – during a sports program, playing at daycare, at a birthday party, waking up in the morning, while watching a movie and most terrifyingly, in the bath.

Caring for Koji

These episodes landed us in emergency more than I could have ever imagined or predicted for our otherwise healthy and active toddler. Thankfully, Koji returns to himself within an hour or so after each seizure. Nonetheless, seizures are frightening to witness and have made us increasingly aware of the fragility of life.

We are being followed by a neurologist at the Montreal Children’s Hospital and are presently awaiting a series of tests, including a brain MRI, to determine the cause of these convulsions. In the meantime, Koji has been put on a medication to prevent further episodes.

(No, we don’t have seizures or epilepsy in our families.  Yes, I have been researching this like crazy and applying all my knowledge as an ayurvedic practitioner, even though it feels like this is way beyond my scope. Yes, I know about CBD oil and have heard about the benefits of the keto diet on epilepsy. We just aren’t ready for all of this yet.)

Being on alert all the time

I have put almost all of my business on hold and been absent from social media for months. Instead, I have been on call, on high alert 24/7, never more than a couple of metres from Koji and/or my phone. There isn’t much room in my head for much else, but I am harnessing the courage to tell you what we’re going through.

Writing this is hard. Still, as a writer and teacher, I feel it is important to communicate both the wisdom and struggle, and also explain why I have been MIA for the last while. Still, expressing the pain of seeing my kid convulse and struggle for air and the stress I am feeling is challenging.

To be honest, I have felt like an anxious wreck and I feel like I am grasping to the wisdom of Ayurveda, meditation and yoga with some difficulty, and judging myself fiercely for feeling aggravated and overwhelmed by benign questions like, “How are you? How’s your son?”

I want to be honest. I want to say that I am in the middle of a storm and I have feelings of fear, grief, worry and overwhelm, but that I also feel hope, trust and deep unshakeable love for my kid, and huge compassion for all children and families that experience health issues.

Friends, Family & growth

What a thing to go through. It’s tough on the whole family. The stress doesn’t usually bring out the best in us either as it seems to irritate/ inflame lots of old wounds. Still, our family and friends have shown us great support during this time by bringing us groceries, lasagnas, diapers and sharing resources, even links to playlists to help us relax.

I also know, under all the chaos, that this experience is a gift. A challenge, perfectly engineered to make me, make us stronger, more fierce. I suspect this is also an opportunity for me to heal old wounds by exposing the truth that life is about transformation and growth under fire.

Given all this, I suppose the answer to the question “How are you?” is actually something not far from: “I am good. I am growing and we are well.”

How to support

This is our affirmation and prayer. If you feel inclined to offer your support, please join us by affirming these words:

May Koji have the best care. May we soon know the root cause of his seizures and may he be 100% healed and fully recovered. 

May all children know happiness, health, love and wellbeing.

May all families have happiness, health, love, support and peace.

Community practice

Although I have put most of my business on hold for now, there is one important exception: my annual Into the Light Yoga Groove event and fundraiser for Dans la Rue, an organization that advocates and supports homeless youth in Montreal. It’s on Dec. 21 at my studio Loft108. It would be amazing to have you join us.

Details & registration

 

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December 14, 2019

13 responses on "When you aren't "Fine""

  1. May Koji have the best care. May we soon know the root cause of his seizures and may he be 100% healed and fully recovered.

    May all children know happiness, health, love and wellbeing.

    May all families have happiness, health, love, support and peace.

    ???

  2. I send to you and your son love, will and courage. It must no be easy for you and your family.

    Take care

  3. Hope your son gets well soon. By the way the epilepsy does not need to run in families and can occur out of blue like in a case of my aunt. Yet she was able to live a. very normal life.
    Have a wonderful time with your family during the holiday season.
    Namaste
    Alena

  4. My thoughts are with you. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you and your family. May you find strength and courage wherever and whenever possible.

  5. My thoughts are with you and your family. I cannot imagine what you are going through. May you find strength and courage wherever and whenever possible.

  6. Wishing you, your son and family all the precious alone time necessary to heal and create the best memories. When you are not “fine” does not have to mean that you cannot have the best time! I wish this for you and your family, as well as everyone! God Bless!

  7. Jasmine we send our love to you all. Hold fast to that which is good…enjoy Christmas with Gordie and Marta etc. Kasia and Charles.

  8. Yasmin, you are in our thoughts. May you soon have the answers you seek regarding Koji’s diagnosis. Sending our love to you and your beautiful son, Cynthia and Tom

  9. Sending so much love Yasmin. You Koji and your family will stay in my thoughts. ❤️

  10. Sending you LOVE …Prayers?
    Patience and above everything….healing for Koji❤
    He will overcome like the warrior he is…live you all!!!
    Nayri and Family?

  11. May Koji have the best care. May we soon know the root cause of his seizures and may he be 100% healed and fully recovered.

    May all children know happiness, health, love and wellbeing.

    May all families have happiness, health, love, support and peace.

    ?✨ for all of you.

    Namaste,

    Janna

  12. So sorry to read this. I hope you get some answers soon. Bon courage to you all.

  13. Dear Yasmin,
    I can hardly imagine what you and Arturo must be going through during these trying times. Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers.

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